Lack of self esteem

Hi,

I have issues with self esteem. I've always had this thing about obsessing with lovers or relationships and a few years back I fell into a very bad relationship, so bad that I ended up moving back with my parents because I could no longer take care of myself. The thing is, there was no relationship just sex. This person told me time after time that he didn't love me and he wanted no relationship but somewhere in my crazy mind I convinced myself he was lying. I also put up with a lot of emotional abuse. Eventually I got over it with an unattached fling, however something similar although not quite as severe is happening with this unattached fling. I'm obsessing about this person even though I am in a long term relationship with someone else who is very good to me. This person is very absent, I was with him twice and see him maybe once or twice a year as he is always traveling and as I hardly know him, we never really communicate. It's an impossible relationship as he doesn't like me, we just had a fling.

I don't know how to put this but not only am I attracted to him, I am also attracted to his lifestyle. In other words, I wish I were him. Even though his job is something that I am currently studying for, my biggest fear is that my individuality and performance in my work will be adversely affected by my obsession with this guy. I feel that because of my obsession with him, I am starting to follow him in his artistic ideal. However, even before I met him I already had similar ideas to his although he has been an example of how I would like my life to be. I'm just fed up of being deluded and have a hard time drawing the line between me and others. I sometimes catch myself thinking that if I were him, I would think or do such and such... This situation has been causing me great anxiety especially because I feel that I am competing and have to be better. I need this to stop. Do you have any suggestions?

many thanks