Should I try to save my marriage or let him go?

by Tina
( OR, usa)

We have 3 kids. My husband abandoned his job in early January and finally started working again in early March. He did NOTHING around the house for those 2 months except look on the computer for a job and play his new playstation 3. When I ask him why he doesn't help around the house he says has "given up" on me, the kids, the home, everything for 5 yrs now.

He repairs nothing, cleans nothing, wont do a single chore around the house AT ALL! He hardly interacts with the kids unless it's to scold, criticize or punish them for a wrong they did, wont eat at the dinner table with us, is always grumpy, and enjoys spending time and money on doing things for himself like playing video poker online, video games, basketball or baseball, watching football and playing in fantasy football with friends, or watching tv programs.

We both work, I am a nurse who has developed a problem with gambling (video poker), something I enjoyed doing that got too excessive-partly to escape and partly to have a chance to enjoy something for me that is equivalent to what my husband does. We just declared bankruptcy chapter 13 and my husband is ready to leave me. Should I try to make it work and go through gambling counseling or is it futile because he isn't accepting any blame for our bad marriage-only my gambling and irresponsibility, and the marriage will ultimately end anyway.

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May 14, 2009
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It Takes Two To Make A Marriage Work
by: Cody

Hi Tina, here's the thing, in order for it to work both people have to want it to work, you alone cannot change things. You cannot help him with his problems either, all you can do is support him through them while he works on them, but to do this he has to want to change.

Allowing him to do what he is doing though is not support, support begins when he admits he has a problem and take steps to fix it. He cannot be pushed or nagged to that point, he must arrive at that point by himself. The loving thing to do right now is to remove the support that is allowing him to remain in his current habits(tough love if you like).

I can't really tell you what to do but here is how I would feel in your situation.

To me it's simple really, if you have a family you get a job, even if it's at McDonalds for the time being while you look for a better one. Staying at home doing nothing, playing video games and gambling is completely unacceptable behavior. By not taking action to stop that, in a sense you are condoning it. As far as he goes I don't care how sorry he feels for himself or how down on his luck he is, if you have a wife and kids, man up and do what needs to be done to provide.

Bottom line is that is what a husband does, if he's not doing that you don't have a husband to leave you have a live in freeloader, your husbands already gone.

I know this might sound harsh but that's the reality. I wouldn't give up him yet but I would certainly start a different course of action with him. You have to let him know that this is not acceptable, what would be acceptable and the consequences of him not doing it.

Best of luck with your situation and I hope it works out.

I

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